Self-compassion or tough love?

A stereotypical distinction

There are the stereotypical roles we find most heterosexual parents playing. The mother is usually found coddling the child, trying to protect him from the father’s wrath exclaiming ‘ye to bacha hai isse mat maro,’ (don’t hit him he’s just a kid) while the father screams ‘ye aise hi seekhega’ (this is how he will learn). Most mothers seem to have a compassionate stance to parenting while fathers believe in tough love.

Based on our temperament, upbringing, and cultural norms, we usually internalize one or both of these attitudes towards ourselves. At times of crisis, we can tell ourselves that we are important and loved, or that we need to stop sobbing and move one. Our usual inner dialogue is a big indication of the approach we prefer. But what is the right balance between the two?

I have been wondering so myself, but am inclined towards self-compassion. Of course, observing my own mother and gender normshave had a role to play, but I learn from my clients. Most of my clients’ inner dialogue is extremely self-critical. Instead of the usual ‘get over it and move on’ attitude the society wants us to have, their inner dialogue stops at critical self-thinking. This bums them out so much that they are left with no motivation or energy to move forward. Which parent have they internalized?

Too much of anything

Asian culture has seen thedevelopment ofmany pedantic parenting practices. ‘Tiger parenting,’ especially pervasive in China, involves pushing children to high limits of academic and extracurricular success. Compassion has been left behind in many households, forcing children to push back tears and not acknowledge difficult emotions faced by them. Where are the difficult emotions going to disappear? They’re going to be buried in these children’s bodies, popping up later in life in the form of unbearable anxiety, panic attacks, depressive mood, aches and pains.

An appropriate balance can be achieved by looking at our own households in childhood. Were difficult emotions like anger, sadness and fear tolerated? Were phrases like ‘ache bache rote nahi,’ (good kids don’t cry) or ‘darte nahi hain’ (you shouldn’t be afraid) regular phrases hauled at you? Or on the other hand, was your parent always there to protect you, helping you with your work, carrying your bag, not letting you help with any household chores?

Since strict parenting has been a norm in most Indian households, I believe the pain and hurt that has been suppressed for generations is becoming unbearable now. Tough love is important, but our culture has had too much of it. We need some unconditional love to deal with the burden of never-ending self-critical thinking. Our generation is starting to get this and people are voicing their opinions for acceptance and love in many urban spaces. Let us keep at it till a balance is achieved!

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